Anybody want some free books?

UPDATE: All of my free books have now found homes except for one copy of the What Do You Believe? journal. Let me know if you're interested in that one. And thanks to everyone who took books! My offer below still stands for severely discounted books. Just comment on this post or send me a message on Facebook to let me know what you're interested in purchasing.

Dear readers,

You knew this day was coming. You probably saw it on the horizon long before I did. And you were right. The fact of the matter is that I have too many books to fit into my tiny house. Ah, the curse of being an author.

However, in my defense, I would like to point out that there are many ways in which being an author and living in a tiny house work perfectly together.

1. Authors don't make much money. Tiny houses don't cost much money.

2. For the most part, writing is a very minimalist-friendly hobby. All you really need is a laptop, and you were probably planning to own that anyway.

3. Living in a tiny house means less area to clean, which is great for all those times when you're so frantically writing that you don't even notice you've been wearing the same clothes for three days and there is clutter on every single flat surface in your house (and some of the not-so-flat surfaces too).

4. Or in other words, less time spent on house maintenance means more time for writing and other fun stuff!

5. Many authors like to travel around so that they can write authentically from perspectives that are unlike their own. Tiny houses can be mobile, so you can move often and more easily.

But, as you might suspect, there are also some ways in which being an author and living in a tiny house just don't work out.

And this is one of those moments. Just look at this mess!
 

In preparation for my upcoming move into a tiny house, I have been minimizing (again) and organizing and letting things go. You would think that I'd be done with this by now. I got rid of a TON of stuff before I moved to Salt Lake last year. And I kept getting rid of things for months as my tiny house move-in date inched closer and closer.

However, there some things you just can't in good conscience give to DI or Goodwill. And I draw the line at my own books. I'll give other people's books away, no problem. But my own? The ones I wrote myself? I worked hard on those! I can't just send them off into the abyss to be sold for fifty cents or less!! Even if it is for a good cause.

So instead, I have decided to give my extra books to you all. And I won't even ask you to pay me fifty cents (unless you want to).

Currently I have . . .

11 copies of 1, 2, 3 with Nephi and Me!
9 copies of Liam Darcy, I Loathe You
3 copies of Time to Share
2 copies of What Do You Believe? teen journal
2 copies of Tiny Talks vol. 14
1 copy of Tiny Talks vol. 15

If you or someone you know would like to claim one (or several) of these, let me know either on Facebook or by commenting below.

As much as I love my books, I have accumulated far too many extras from various author events and now I just need to get them out of my storage and into the hands of people who will enjoy them.

(Plus how many copies of a book do I really need? Even if they are my own books! Don't worry, though. I am keeping one archive copy of each book for myself. I think that's plenty.)

So anyway, if you live in Salt Lake City or near it, I'd be happy to deliver your books or arrange a time to meet you somewhere. You don't have to pay me anything, but if you want to make a small donation to my tiny house fund in exchange for the books, I won't necessarily say no to that.

If you don't live nearby, I would love to send the books to you! However, in that case, I would appreciate a donation to cover the cost of postage. (Usually no more than five dollars, depending on how many books we're talking about.) And if you want to donate more than the cost of postage, that money will go directly into my tiny house fund.

Thank you all for your interest in my books! And thank you for supporting me in my tiny house dreams! Only 67 days to go!

Heidi

PS–I'll give away the free books listed above on a first-come first-served basis, but if I run out of something you really want, let me know and I might be able to get some more copies for you at a very discounted rate, with any sales proceeds going to my tiny house fund.

PPS–On the off chance that someone wants to donate to my tiny house fund but doesn't want any books, I would just like to say thank you sooo much. That is really, really generous of you! However, I am not currently accepting donations of that nature because I feel like that would cross an uncomfortable line for me. I want to be able to say that I bought this house myself and that I am a financially independent adult. So if you want to donate, you'll need to take at least one book off my hands. That way I'll feel better about accepting your money.

PPPS–Ugh. Enough of that. "Gentlemen, I dislike all this money talk. It isn't refined." Name that movie line!

Remember how I write books sometimes?

Heh. Yeah. About that . . . Have you been wondering what's going on with me and my authorial career? You're not the only one.

I do have news. And it's good news!

But I also have some thoughts on my life lately. And that part is not as good. Not that it's necessarily bad. It just . . . IS, I guess.

Let's start with the good news. I'm teaching a class at a BYU summer writing camp for teens. I did this last year too and it was so fun! I'm really looking forward to doing it again. I know classes like this are supposed to be for the students, but they end up inspiring me too. So that's good.

I'm also very lazily dragging my feet through the self-publishing process for book 2 of The Jane Journals series. It's pretty much written. It just needs some revising. And a cover. And a printer/distributor. And some other things. Sorry if you're waiting for it (all 2 of you). I promise it'll get done sometime before the end of the year. And I promise to keep you posted about my progress.

But what's even better? I have a new cover!!!!! And I love it!!!!!

Isn't it the cutest? I think I have the best illustrator and the best cover designer ever.

Seriously. Love it! This book is scheduled to come out in November and it will follow along with the Primary theme for 2017. If all goes well, I should be writing it later in the summer/early fall.

And now we get to the more contemplative portion of the post.

Here's the thing about my writing: sometimes the words come and sometimes they don't. And I know that I could make them come more often if I were more disciplined. Really, I know that.

I know plenty of authors who push themselves and are so inspiringly prolific. They write every day all day long and in their sleep they dream about their manuscripts so that when they wake up in the morning they've already written another eight thousand words that they just need to download from their brains onto the page. And they write in the shower with their incredible waterproof laptops. And they write while they're driving, in total disregard for the safety of everyone else on the road. They write while they're waiting in line at the post office and they write at airports and in Mexican restaurants and on street corners, and I know all this because I've done it myself.

Okay, I'm exaggerating a little bit. I don't often write while driving. I try to pull over first.

But yeah, some authors write a lot all the time. Some write a little every once in awhile. Some fall somewhere in between.

As with everything else in life, it's not worth it to compare yourself with anybody because there will always be someone who writes more or better than you. Always. Always. I promise. And that's totally okay.

What I'm actually trying to say is that, as you may have noticed from the lack of posts on my blog lately, I'm currently living through a dearth of words. I just don't feel like writing. And I don't feel like forcing myself to write against my will.

I do have several theories about why my life is off-balance like this.

(For most people not writing is the norm, but for a writer it's like a constant feeling of vertigo. You don't really know why it's there, you just know that it's messing everything up. And you really do feel off-balance, especially if you've been writing routinely for years at a time.)

But I don't feel like positing a bunch of probably true theories right now about my lack of words. Because, as mentioned, I don't really feel like writing. Even this post has taken me several days of talking myself into it before I managed to type anything.

I don't even write in my journal as much these days. It's weird. I don't like it.

I'm also sure it will all go away someday—probably sooner than I expect.

And if you happen to be my publisher and you're reading this, don't worry. I know I will have the words when there's a deadline hanging over my head. I can always find them then.

In the meantime, this is one of those problems that's not really a problem and that I don't really feel like trying to cure. I don't want helpful advice. I guess I just want to see what it's like to live a wordless life for a little while. There's something liberating in it. Like taking a break from social media or going undercover as a totally different person. Who ever said I have to be a writer anyway? Maybe that's just not who I am right now.

Final note: to save myself the trouble of trying to write another whole post, I'll just mention here that if you're wondering what's going on with my tiny house, I've been waiting to finalize a few things before I announce them online. But things are on track. And I'm still excited. The countdown is currently at 93 days.

I'm sure the words will come back before then. Probably.

Why don't you date?

So this morning I woke up from a dream in which I was having a conversation with a good guy friend. And in our conversation, I was asking my friend why he doesn't date more. I think in my dream mind I was a little bit mad at him (as girls sometimes get with guys) because it seems like guys should be dating no matter what. They're the ones who should be initiating things, and so this guy's perpetual single-ness was making me upset. It was an affront to all the single girls out there who are waiting for the men to get a clue.

I should clarify that in real life, I am not actually upset with this guy about this nor am I upset with guys in general over this issue. (Unless my subconscious knows something I don't.) But just to be safe, I'm not going to use the guy's name. Also, it would be weird if I did because in my dream we were a lot better friends than we actually are in real life.

Anyway, this guy had no real response to the question, so then I started telling him all the reasons I suspected he wasn't dating much—things like fear and laziness. As you can imagine, the conversation became more and more tense because no one likes to be told with so much candor how irrational their choices are. That's why it's a very good thing this conversation happened in a dream instead of in real life.

But then something happened that I wasn't expecting. All of a sudden, my guy friend turned to me and said, "Well, why aren't you dating?"

Oh. . . Um . . .

And that's when I woke up.

With the kind of clarity that I only get first thing in the morning, I realized: all of my excuses for not making dating a priority in my life are actually pretty hollow or based on assumptions that are just not true.

And even if I'm not mad at my guy friend about this in real life, it's not fair of me to get mad (as I sometimes do) with guys for their lack of dating, when I'm not dating either. I mean, yes, I still fundamentally believe that guys should take the initiative. I don't believe that they always need to do the asking. I have asked guys out before and I'll probably do it again. But I think that it should be their call about whether or not to pursue a deeper relationship. And I don't plan to take the responsibility for that part of dating.

But there are still things I could be doing to make dating a priority in my life. And those things are not about losing weight and wearing more makeup. They're more about honestly assessing what my reservations are and learning to see things clearly and push myself past my fears.

I assume there will be people reading this who are single like me and they might relate to some of the things I'm about to say. Others of you reading have likely been married for years. If that's you, maybe you'll want to keep reading so that you understand what it's really like to be single and a woman and LDS and almost 31 and a half years old. I can't say that my personal list of reasons or excuses is universal. We all have our own. But I think that the married folks out there could still gain some insight from this.

So what are my reservations? What are my excuses?

Well, I came up with a list. In no particular order, except the order that I thought of them, here are the . . .

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Date:

1. I don't want to get involved with someone from Utah when I know I don't want to stay here forever.
2. No one is going to want to date me as I currently look (cue the body image issues).
3. It will be hard to find someone who shares my values. It goes without saying that I'm looking for someone who shares my religious beliefs, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about someone who values things like minimalism, simplicity, and living within my means. It also includes the worry that no one will want to date me when they find out I'm about to be living in a tiny house.
4. Speaking of my tiny house, I'm really focused on that right now. Once I get that done, then I'll start worrying about dating.
5. I haven't met anyone that I'm attracted to in a long time.
6. Dating can be expensive and I'm on a budget.
7. I'm busy with work right now.
8. I'm afraid of being rejected.
9. I lack the social skills necessary to date.
10. It often seems like dating only brings negative energy into my life and I don't want to be burdened with that. I'd rather just be happy being alone, which I am most of the time.

These are valid concerns—well, a lot of them are. Some are not. But I know that in the past they have held me back. So now I want to take the opportunity to refute them a little bit. Just like that dream conversation I was having with my friend, I'm about to have a conversation with myself (and, by extension, with all of you) about why I don't date more.

1. I don't want to get involved with someone from Utah when I know I don't want to stay here forever.
So don't date people who want to stay in Utah forever. If this is really that important to you, ask this question early in the process of getting to know someone and use it to weed through the prospects. But just because a man lives in Utah now doesn't mean he wants to forever. Remember, Heidi, you yourself are currently living in Utah. Also, this is a good reason to try online dating again—so that you meet people from all over. (More about this later.)

2. No one is going to want to date me as I currently look (cue the body image issues). 
I don't have time to get into all this today. Yes, it's important to be healthy, and I know that's something you want to work on more in the future. And it's also true that there are guys out there who will rule you out because of how you look. That's a shame. It really is. But there are also guys who wouldn't care one bit, and right now you're not even giving them the chance to decide for themselves. You're just stereotyping an entire gender, which is really uncool. Whether or not a guy wants to date you should be his choice. After all, you get really upset when a guy you like assumes that no one is into him and then just ignores any attempts you might make to prove otherwise. So how exactly can you justify doing the same thing to all the guys in the whole world? That just makes no sense.

3. It will be hard to find someone who shares my values, like minimalism, simplicity, and living within my means. And no one will want to date me when they find out I'm about to be living in a tiny house.
Yes. It will be hard to find someone who values all the same things you do. But it's not impossible. And the good news is that none of these "values" are really deal breakers for you. That is, just because you feel strongly about them doesn't mean that you hold others to that same standard. You don't expect or need people to agree with you. And you would be fine living one way while your boyfriend/fiance/spouse lived another way. Even the tiny house could fit into a future with the right person. As long as you're both mutually respectful of each other's values—and as long as you still agree on the gospel fundamentals (because those really are deal breakers)—you'll be just fine.

4. But why can't I just wait until I move into a tiny house? I need to focus on that right now.
I can see why it would be tempting to wait. But here's the thing: once you move into the house, there will be something else that you're really close to accomplishing, like writing another book or some other major life project that you decide to take on. That's just the kind of person you are. You're driven and you like to constantly keep moving. But that means that if you keep waiting until after you finish the next big thing, you will never. get. there. There will always be something else big on the horizon, some reason to put off dating a little longer.
I think you know deep down that this excuse is just a way to keep putting off the potential for pain a little bit longer. You're pretending to yourself that you're preparing when you're really just procrastinating.

5. I haven't met anyone that I'm attracted to in a long time.
Yes, which makes perfect sense because you rarely meet new people at all these days. But trust me, when you do, you're just as attracted to certain types of guys as you have always been. Remember all the cute guys you saw when you stopped by that older singles ward last week? I rest my case. The problem is not with the selection of single guys. It's with your lack of exposure to them. And that's something you can fix.

6. Dating can be expensive and I'm on a budget.
It can be expensive, but it doesn't have to be. You can date on a budget. Also—and I'm sorry to say this, but it's kind of true—this is one area where being the girl really works to your advantage. If anything, going on more dates and having guys pay for you once in awhile could actually help your budget.

7. I'm busy with work right now.
This would be a good excuse if it were true. But it sooooo isn't. You and I both know (because we're the same person) that work is not busy right now and that in fact you work for a great company that encourages you to have a life outside of work by keeping your work load manageable. This is not a real concern for you.

8. I'm afraid of being rejected.
Okay. This one is real. But I'd like to remind you that you've lived through rejection before and you survived it just fine, after awhile. Plus, as a writer and just a well-rounded human being, part of your job is to experience things so that you can write about them authentically and relate to others when they go through them. Even things like heartbreak. In fact, maybe especially the painful things that no one likes to feel or talk about. Sometimes those are the very things that people need to read about and relate to most. I'm not saying you need to go into it with the goal of getting hurt, but you can't let that fear keep you from experiencing the full spectrum of what life has to offer.

9. I lack the social skills necessary to date.
Dude. Your social skills are just fine. You may not be the world's best flirt, but you can carry on a conversation. You're funny and genuine and thoughtful. That's all you really need. The rest of it is just timing and circumstance. And a little patience doesn't hurt either.

10. Dating only brings negative energy into my life and I don't want to be burdened with that. I'd rather just learn to be happy being alone.
Yeah, I know that's been true for you a lot in the past. You have been dating for years, and you're still not married, which means that overall the experience can feel negative. But I don't think that means that it has to be that way. Just like with any other life experience, dating isn't inherently positive or negative. It's neutral. It's just dating. And it's up to you to frame the experience however you want to.
In the past, you may have chosen more negative framing than you should have. But that doesn't mean you have to keep choosing to see things that way in the future. You can still choose to focus on the positive aspects of dating. And you know that you can always choose to be happy. You're actually really good at that. Trust in your abilities as an optimist, and if you can feel yourself getting off track and starting to focus too much on the negatives, step back, take a deep breath, reread this post, and then get back out there and enjoy all the fun parts.

The thing about dating is that you may or may not find someone you want to get serious with, but your chances will be a lot better out there in the real world (or online) than they will be if you just keep sitting here, alone in your room or griping with your girlfriends about how guys are the problem. Even if that were true, that's outside your control. And you will be a lot happier if you learn to focus on what you can control.

That way, after you've cheerfully done all things that lie in your power, you can "stand still, with the utmost assurance to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed" (D&C 123:17).

So that's the conversation I had with myself this morning. I hope some part of it has been helpful to you. I can't say that I'm going to dive head first into dating up a storm tomorrow. But I am posting this as a challenge to myself to put myself out there more. And I hope that putting this online will help me to hold myself more accountable to that.

For more on this topic, I can recommend this excellent article from the April Ensign. And I can also recommend sitting down with yourself sometime to mull over these issues. You don't have to actually talk to yourself like I did. But I think that whatever it is that you're trying to achieve, whether it's dating or some other life goal, it's worth examining your own hangups and excuses and trying to work through them rationally, rather than letting your fears and feelings keep you from what you ultimately want.

Good luck out there, everyone! And have a wonderful weekend!

Are you feeling homesick?

I hope I don't sound too preachy or too whiny in this post, but this is how I'm feeling tonight.

I really shouldn't be homesick. I was home just a week ago. But I don't know . . . maybe that's what triggered it.

I'll admit there are frequently times when I just really miss hiking in the hills around my hometown and all the friends I have there and the proximity to the beach.

I miss being able to spend time with my family doing nothing. We're great at sitting around the house doing nothing. It's arguably our best collective family talent.

But tonight I think I'm feeling extra homesick for a few different reasons. For one thing, it's coming up on two years since I moved back here to Utah. Thinking about that time when I had to say goodbye to everyone and uproot my whole life rather quickly always makes me a bit blue.

(Also, can you believe it's been two whole years?? That's so crazy to me! The little kids I nannied while I lived there have practically become adults now. So weird.)

Anyway, I'm also missing home at the moment because I really loved performing in The Lamb of God at Easter. The choir there had their first performance tonight and in honor of that, I decided to listen to the entire oratorio today. It was wonderful. And I'm glad I did it. But it wasn't the same as attending it live, and it definitely wasn't the same as performing in it in a cool cathedral in San Francisco like the one where I took these photos.

I know my life is here now, and it's not like I spend every day wishing I were there. If I did, I'd move back. And there are lots of cool perks to living in Utah, like being able to attend the Provo City Center Temple dedication today and getting to spend more time with my cousins than I have in the past. There's a great writing community here that I enjoy participating in. But as happy as I usually am here . . . I just don't think I'll ever love Utah the way I love California. I've really tried. I've given it a decent shot. It's just not home to me.

Thinking about all this made me try to remember why I moved here in the first place. I was actually reading this post the other day from right after I moved. I'm glad those feelings didn't last too long. Overall, I'm really happy with how my life has turned out over the past two years. I know I've grown a lot, professionally and personally, and that's comforting at a time like this.

But I'll admit there's still a big part of me that wonders what I'm doing here or why I needed to move back. I know that it was the right thing to do, but I still don't really know why.

It would be nice if I actually had all the answers. It would be nice if everyone had all the answers in life, but that's not how it works. Instead we get the comfort of faith in the fact that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. I'm so glad to know that as long as I'm following His plan for me, everything will work out as it should.

That's what I remembered as I was listening to the Lamb of God tonight. There's one song toward the end that has always been one of my favorites, but I think I needed to hear it more than ever right now.

You can listen to it here.

Someday this will all make sense. The answers won't come on my timeline, but they'll come. I just need to stick to the plan and one day I'll understand. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to enjoy every season of life, no matter how far away from home I need to be. Because I know that if I keep following the plan God has for me, one day I'll get to experience the best homecoming of all.

Right before I moved here, I was reading my scriptures in the temple one day when I came across these verses in 1 Peter.

Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. . . . But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. (6–7, 10)

These verses have since become some of my favorites. I think of them as a promise from my Heavenly Father that He knows what He's doing and that He will help me become settled in my life and in His gospel. And that's an especially comforting thought when you feel like your happiness and home are two states away from you.

I hope no matter how you're feeling when you read this, you can take comfort in the thought that Christ has experienced your pains and sorrows. He knows how to comfort you because He's been there. He's felt homesick, just like I do right now. He's felt sad and tired and worn thin. He knows exactly what it's like. And He will help you through it. That's something I know for sure.

Happy almost-Easter, everyone. And to all my friends and family in California, thank you for posting pictures and updates. I love seeing them and keeping in touch with you all! If I can't be at the beach myself, the next best thing is having beach pictures all over my social media pages!

And don't worry, I'll come visit again soon. :)

Do you have an announcement to make?

I do! And it's a good one!

But first I just want to say that I'm so glad it's Thursday. I've been in training meetings at work for the past few days and while I feel really good about the meetings we had, I'm exhausted. Basically, this has been a great week but also a tiring one and I'm glad it's almost over.

I'm also super glad to be flying home tomorrow to see my little sister Ali who has been on a mission in the Netherlands for the past eighteen months. I got to talk to her on the phone tonight and that was great, but I'm really excited to see her in person. And I'm excited to be in California, even if it's just for the weekend because it's already springtime for reals there.

So yes. There are many reasons that this has been a great week. But one of the really good ones is that I got another book signed by Cedar Fort. It's going to be a board book like 1, 2, 3 with Nephi and Me! and it's tentatively titled Jesus Was Just Like Me! As you can probably surmise from the title, it's meant to help children learn about and relate to the Savior.

I'm really excited about this! And I've been dying to tell you guys about it, but I wanted to wait until it was officially official. I don't have an illustrator on the project yet, but I can't wait to see what he or she comes up with.

Board books are just so much fun. They're something I never thought I would write, but they turn out so cute that it's hard to resist!

Anyway, I will keep you all posted as I learn more details about this project. Like when it will be released, for instance. Right now all I can say is that it will most likely be in the next year, which is exciting because it means that my niece and nephew might still be at least mildly interested in board books by the time it comes out.

I will also, of course, let you know when I have a cover and all that other fun stuff. For now, I just want to enjoy the feeling of happy anticipation that comes right between worrying that the book won't be signed and worrying about deadlines and production details as the book is going into production.

The funny thing is, I used to dread this lull time. So much of being a writer involves the hurry-up-and-wait game. But the longer I do this, the more I find myself enjoying this phase. It's peaceful and anticipatory. It's like the calm between two storms.

Hope you all have a great weekend! Get some sleep if you're exhausted. Take advantage of your weekend to have an adventure. And don't be afraid to enjoy the lull times when you get them.

Okay, that's all the advice I've got. I don't know how to end this post.

Um . . . books are fun to write.

The end.

PS—I told you I was exhausted.

Why don't you wear your hair up?

This story starts a long time ago. In the fall of 2008, I was finishing my last semester of college.

Up to that point I had thought college was the worst thing I would ever have to go through in my life. I frequently skipped class and spent my days reading in the on-campus bookstore. I battled depression, especially in the winter months. And my introverted self was not the best at striking up conversations with random people on campus or attending social functions in order to meet men and get married, which any girl who has attended BYU will tell you is one of those things you’re “supposed” to do while you’re there. I had a few really good close friends I liked to hang out with, and for the most part, I also had great roommates. But yeah, college was hard for me.

So you can see why that fall I was so ready to graduate and be done. I was super pumped at the thought of moving out of Utah and moving on with my life. Of course, that’s not exactly what happened. I did graduate, barely, but I got offered a job at Cedar Fort a few weeks before my last day of class that fall semester, and I took the job. That meant staying in Utah.

And that’s when things started to get a little crazy. Over the course of the next year, I . . .

1. Graduated
2. Started a new job
3. Moved twice
4. Bought a house with my parents
5. Went through the temple
6. Gained a sister-in-law
7. Tried to renovate my house on a very limited budget
8. Became a landlord
9. Joined a new ward
10. And worried about money and my life and my future all the time!

This is right after we bought the house.

Looking back on it now, I kind of wish I could tell my younger self to slow down. That was a lot to take on in one year. I was basically twenty-four going on thirty-four, but without all the life experiences to put things into proper perspective. As you might imagine, it ended up wreaking havoc on my physical health, my mental health, my emotions, and my hormones.

Kitchen renovation in progress

I was crazy stressed out a lot of the time. And going from walking around campus to sitting at a desk every day meant that I gained weight very quickly. That in turn caused additional health problems, some of which have had lasting effects. Eventually, I went in to see a doctor and things settled down and I mostly got back to normal. But as I said, a few of these health problems persisted.

At this point I need to mention that I’ve always had very unusual skin. For one thing, it’s really dry. I’ve never had a pimple; that’s how dry my skin is. But it also means that I get dandruff really easily. My red face and the bumps all over my skin (keratosis pelaris) aren’t entirely caused by my dry skin, but those things aren’t helped by it either.

I also need to mention that I love my dad. He’s the kind of guy who always wants to fix people’s problems. Which is an awesome thing to have in a dad because any time I mention something to him, he just jumps in and takes care of it.

And because my dad loves me and because he sometimes sees my skin as a potential problem, he periodically drags me kicking and screaming to the dermatologist’s office to see if there’s a cure yet. It’s sweet. And I should probably be nicer about it. But the thing is, I pretty much already know what they’re going to say: “Your skin is dry. Put this stuff on it every day or twice a day.” The “stuff” varies from doctor to doctor but it isn’t usually any more effective than regular lotion you can buy at a grocery store and that costs way less than anything they’ll prescribe you at a doctor’s office.

Sorry. That was a long aside. All of this information is to get you to the next part of the story. Because a few years after the house-buying and landlording and new-job-stressing, I found myself once again at the dermatologist’s office in order to appease my dad, who was worried about my dandruff and my dry skin, and the red face.

The weird thing was, this doctor had something new to say: your hair is really thin. It wasn’t a revelation to me. I had noticed. But suddenly I found myself thinking back to that time right after college and remembering the amount of hair I would find in the bathtub every time I showered. I remembered the sinking dread that this would keep happening and the twinging thoughts that it wasn’t normal. But in the midst of all my other stresses, at the time I didn’t feel like I had any bandwidth to deal with it.

And of course I just assumed my hair would grow back. As soon as I got my life and my hormones back in order, everything would go back to normal.

But it didn’t. I stopped losing large amounts of hair, which was good.

But now the dermatologist was telling me that my hair wasn’t going to grow back again. Ever. She said that my hair follicles were permanently scarred. I would never have my hair back and there was nothing that could be done about it.

After the initial surprise, I felt triumphant. I know that sounds weird, but I did. I said, “I told you so” to my dad for thinking that there was some miraculous cure at the dermatologist’s office. And because I really love who I am, regardless of how I look, the hair thing genuinely didn’t bother me for a long time.

Most of the time, it still doesn’t . . . except when I try to wear my hair up.

Because this is what happens.

Without much hair, you can see straight through to my dandruff-y scalp. And it just looks . . . weird. Weird enough that I’ve often felt self-conscious doing it, and so I haven’t lately. Instead I wear my hair down or pulled back in a low bun or ponytail. But there are times when you really want to wear your hair up! I took these pictures right after jogging on the treadmill. That’s one of those times when you just have to get the hair off your neck.

So why am I bringing this up now? Because I’m tired of trying to hide it all the time. And because I’m thinking about cutting my hair really short and I’m not sure if that would help the problem or make it worse. What do you guys think? Would short hair help anything?

I obviously don’t go around looking at the back of my head all the time, so maybe the efforts at hiding it haven’t been working anyway and I don’t even know.

I guess I just wanted to put this out there so that I can be honest about the fact that it does bother me sometimes. There are days when I look at girls with long, thick hair and think, I wish I could do that. But then there are other days when I remember how grateful I am that it takes me less than ten minutes to straighten my hair and that because my hair is curly it still has a lot of volume, even though there isn’t that much of it.

It’s like the dry skin thing and never having had acne. I try to focus on the positives. Plus, I like that no one I know is friends with me because they think I’m beautiful. They’re friends with me because they like who I am on the inside. I think that’s really cool that I can say that.

But what really inspired me to share this story was watching this video of a girl I so admire. I was one of her counselors one year at girl’s camp (several years ago now) and I just think she’s amazing. I didn’t ask her if I could share this video. In fact, I haven’t talked to her in years, but I’ve watched it several times since she put it online, and I just feel like it’s awesome that she’s being so open about this.

Honestly, I think all of us have things about ourselves that challenge us. Some people struggle with physical limitations. Some people are hurting on the inside. And a lot of the time we’re afraid to admit that we’re not perfect.

But no one is perfect. Well, no mortal person, anyway.

The important thing is to be honest with yourself and others, to keep trying, and to trust that God has a plan for you. He doesn’t make mistakes. He loves you no matter what you look like or how badly you mess up. He looks at your heart and sees your efforts to be better. And He’s always there to help you move forward.

Happy Sunday, everybody! I hope you’ve had a lovely one.

What did you speak on in church today?

For those who aren't familiar with LDS church services, we take turns speaking and sharing our feelings with each other as talks. Today in church I gave a talk on my favorite hymn and why it's my favorite. Though I have lots of favorites I chose, "Come Let Us Anew." I decided to share my talk on my blog because I feel like the message in this hymn is one that can apply to everyone. This hymn was written in the 1700s as a traditional Methodist hymn. I love it because it talks about improving ourselves and becoming better, which if you've read my blog for very long, you know I'm big on that kind of stuff. 

If you've never heard this hymn before or if it’s been awhile since you heard it, you might want to watch this video, so you’ll know what I’m talking about.

"Come Let Us Anew" is a hymn that we often sing around New Year’s and then forget about for the rest of the year, which is a bit of a shame, I think. The lyrics talk about renewing our commitment to living the gospel. And that’s something we do all the time not just at the beginning of a new year. We’ve been taught that when we take the sacrament, it’s a renewal of all of our covenants (Mackay, Ensign, March 1995).  We know temptations aren’t a one-time thing, they’re constant; we face them every day. For that same reason, our covenants can’t be a one-time thing. We need to constantly renew them.

So how do we do that? The answer can be found in the lyrics of this hymn, particularly in the verbs. Now, I should warn you all that I’m an English person. I majored in English, and I’ve been working as a professional editor for several years, so you’ll have to excuse me as I go a little grammar geeky on you. But if you pick out the verbs and verb phrases in the first verse of this hymn, you’ll notice some interesting things that we are told to do. I’ll list those actions for you now:

come

anew

pursue

roll round

never stand still

fulfill His will

improve our talents by the patience of hope and the labor of love

That’s the first verse. The second verse talks about how we need to hurry up and work on these things now because our lives will fly by so fast. And the third verse is about how wonderful it will be when we meet the Savior again and report on the progress we’ve made.

But today I want to focus on just this first verse because I think there are things we can all improve on. And that’s the true message of this song: that we can always improve.

So let’s start with that first verb: come. Why is it important for us to come? To me, that word expresses the importance of attending our church meetings and being present with the body of the saints. I think it’s significant that when we renew our covenants with God, when we take the sacrament, we do it all together. I think that there is great strength to be found in participating in a community of people who are all striving to become better. We can encourage each other and hold each other accountable. When one of us struggles, we all struggle together. That’s what we’ve covenanted to do, after all: “bear one another’s burdens.”

The verse continues by talking about pursuing our journey back to Heavenly Father. Even when we have setbacks, we need to “roll round” and keep moving forward. We can “never stand still” because when we think everything is fine, Nephi tells us that that’s really Satan trying to convince us that we don’t need to worry about our sins because they don’t really hurt us. But the truth is that none of us is perfect. There will always be things we can do to improve. I know that might sound depressing, like you’ll never get a break from the hard work of repenting, but there is some hope coming up in the next few lines of the verse.

The next line talks about how Christ’s commandments should be something that we fulfill gladly. Living the gospel should be “adorable” to us, in the sense that we adore or love following His will. I’m not sure about you, but I have definitely had times when I was obeying the commandments just because I knew I was supposed to and not because I truly wanted to. When those times happen, we have to pray for the desire to live righteously and pray for a deeper relationship with the Savior. It is so much easier to live the gospel because you love Christ than it is to live the gospel because someone told you to or because you’re supposed to. When we strengthen our relationship with the Savior, he helps us to stay on track and makes it easier for us to receive inspiration and guidance every day. In this way, living the gospel becomes personal for us and we can follow our personalized plans back to Heavenly Father.

In the final part of the first verse, we learn that we can improve our talents “by the patience of hope and the labor of love.” These words have become very important to me as I’ve pondered them over the years. I just talked about how it’s easier to live the gospel when you love the Savior. And that ties in with the idea that improving ourselves is a labor of love. I’ve found that it’s much easier to practice something when you already love it. Even if you’re not good at it, your interest will keep you going. For example, I am not good at playing the piano. I took lessons when I was little, but I quit in sixth grade and haven’t taken a lesson since. However I realized a few years ago that I still like to practice the piano. I can’t play well, but it’s still really fun for me to practice. And because it’s fun for me, I’ve gotten a little bit better at it. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that we become good at the things that we love to do most. So, again, we need to do whatever we can to learn to love improving ourselves because when we can turn that process into a labor of love, we’re much more likely to stick with it.

The last phrase I want to talk about in this hymn is “the patience of hope.” Patience is one of those virtues that we all think we have until we really need it, and then you realize how impatient you really are. That’s why I like that this hymn pairs patience with hope. Instead of trying to patiently endure, which sounds so painful, we can instead practice looking forward to the future with hope. I know that when we talk about talents in the church, we sometimes make talents synonymous with hobbies and that’s not really taking into account the whole scope of what a talent can be, but for simplicity’s sake, I’m going to talk about another one of my hobbies, and that’s writing. 

I don’t usually broadcast this fact, especially not over the pulpit, but I’ve now written eight books that have been published. When I think about my writing, I don’t think of it as something I need to endure until I’ve mastered it. I just keep doing it because I love it, because I have high hopes for my books, and because I also hope that my writing will help me better communicate with the people around me. Sometimes the things I write come together well and find an audience, and that’s great. Other times, that doesn’t happen. But no matter what, I know that I need to be patient with myself and have hope.

At the center of all this change and improvement is our Savior’s Atonement. None of it would work without that.The Atonement allows us to keep improving, even when we think we’ve fallen too far and that there’s no hope for us. I am so grateful for a Savior who died to give us that hope. I am grateful for the testimony He has given me to know that I can change and that we all can. Repenting is hard work, but it is the best work we can do and it does make us happy. I hope that we can each continually renew our covenants and improve our talents so that, as the end of this hymn says, we can “each from [our] Lord . . . receive the glad word: well and faithfully done. Enter into my joy and sit down on my throne.”

I’m grateful for the many examples I have in my life and the people that I get to join with as we all renew our covenants together and strive to improve so that we can return to our Heavenly Father someday.