Saturday, April 19, 2014

Where are you right now?

As a heads up, if you're looking for a happy, fluffy post about how fun my life is, try this last one:

Yay! Life is grand!

Today I'm feeling not so fluffy. In fact, I'm in a full-on mood. Keep reading if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you.

So... I've been avoiding talking about this on my blog, but I think it's time to face reality.

I moved.

To Utah.

Yep. Land of the... dollar movie theater? Well, and Cafe Rio. And fry sauce. And... uh... my new job. So that's... yeah.

Sigh. I don't know. Can I just be honest with you guys? I don't really know what I'm doing here. I thought I was done with Utah, I really did. And I am in love with California. Like totally head over heels infatuated. It's so pretty there...

And yet... I'm here.

Part of it has to do with the job. I am now Cedar Fort's Production Manager. It's pretty cool, actually. Except that I spend a lot of time on things that should only take me a few minutes because I haven't learned everything I need to yet and so I get stressed and I feel like I'm always about two steps from seriously messing things up. And the times when I don't feel like I'm two steps away from that are the times I have already messed something up and am now trying desperately to fix it. So far, nothing major has happened--at least nothing that was my fault. But I feel like it's only a matter of time.

Part of it has to do with my social life. I had one in California, but it was getting a bit stale. Which is not in ANY way a reflection on the tons of wonderful people I left behind. I love them. I miss them. And I'm sure it was mostly my fault that I didn't exactly feel like I was making progress in my relationships there. The ironic thing is, now I'm in Utah where I have no social life. And it's actually kind of nice. I mean, okay, that's not true. By most normal standards, I do have a social life. I went out to dinner three times this week with friends, and I only spent one night in my room watching a BBC drama on Netflix, so that's about par for the course with me. But I don't feel like I have a social life here because... there are so many people here that I don't know. And compared to my roommates, who are all still in college and really bubbly and cute (I love them), I don't stay up late hosting parties and chatting with people. I go to bed at 11ish because I have work in the morning.

I know comparisons are silly, especially because I really like my life the way it is. I know this and yet I do it anyway.

Part of it has to do with my needing to prove to myself that I can live here on my terms. When I lived in Provo during college, I got swallowed up by how big this place is. I sort of lost myself for awhile. I didn't feel like I fit in. I got really homesick. I went through some depression issues. I spent several semesters skipping class and hiding out on campus so my roommates would think I was living a productive, normal student life. But instead I would spend the hours reading in the campus bookstore or playing around on the internet in the computer labs. That's why I almost failed out of college. Yep. True story.

Now there's a permanent part of me that's always worried I'll slip back into that mode. I overcompensate for it, actually. I freak out if my room stays unorganized for too long or if I hit snooze on my alarm more than two days in a row. It's not so bad now as it used to be. I'm starting to trust myself to take care of me, but it's been a long road.

Okay, I'll stop rambling. Wow I get verbose when I'm moody. Sorry about that. I hope you skimmed. Here, maybe a nice pretty picture of Utah will get things back on track. I took this one yesterday.

The real actual reason that I moved here is that it seemed like the right thing to do. I don't know if everyone reading my blog believes in prayer. I do. And I assume you do too, reader, because I only ever assume that about three people read my blog. (It feels safer for me to write this if I only think about it going out to three people.) Anyway, I prayed about this whole thing and I felt like I needed to move... here... now.

So I'm here.

To answer the question more specifically, I am in a nice comfy chair on the fourth floor in my favorite sitting area of my favorite building on BYU's campus.

I am here in a totally silent building on a Saturday night, feeling so much older than everyone else around me and yet still so clueless about where my life is headed. All I know is that I'm here.

For now... I'm here.

Except, that I'm about to not be here anymore because now that I have finished blogging and I've finished the other tasks I came here to do (one for work, one for my novel), I am going home to watch more of that BBC drama. And since I like to end things on a happy note, here are some beautiful pictures of the beautiful people I am currently watching in The Paradise, which happens to be really, really good. Just saying.

Oh, and here's one more picture I took yesterday. I like it. The fact that there are trees here is obviously a major plus in my book. Of course, there are no palm trees, but one can't have everything.

Sorry this post is a bit erratic. I really am happy here. Mostly. Sort of. Or I will be. I think. Like I said, I'm just in a mood. And I think the fact that tomorrow is Easter and I won't get to spend it at home with my family or singing in Lamb of God like I was planning to is kind of making things worse. Oh well. I'll get over it. Or I'll keep finding more BBC dramas to take my mind off things.


  1. Wow. Hang in there. Beginnings are tough, scary and exciting all wrapped into one giant, daunting package. Just give it some time and things will settle in. It would be so nice if all the answers to our prayers were immediate. And if we could know the purpose behind every direction or prompting immediately. But it rarely works out that way. To quote a recent conference talk, "In time," my friend, "in time."
    :) Meanwhile, enjoy Cafe Rio and Zuppas and take long walks around Sundance and read to your heart's content.

    1. Thanks! I know I'll adjust eventually. It's already getting better. And yes, the Cafe Rio and Zupas are definitely good consolation. :)

  2. People here welcome you, respecting your terms of course. It's good to remember the old times, and to anticipate what will come from you now that you are back. Good to hang out with you the other day.

    1. Thanks! I didn't even see this till just now. But I'm glad you've been here to welcome me back.