Yay! Life is grand!
Today I'm feeling not so fluffy. In fact, I'm in a full-on mood. Keep reading if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you.
So... I've been avoiding talking about this on my blog, but I think it's time to face reality.
Yep. Land of the... dollar movie theater? Well, and Cafe Rio. And fry sauce. And... uh... my new job. So that's... yeah.
Sigh. I don't know. Can I just be honest with you guys? I don't really know what I'm doing here. I thought I was done with Utah, I really did. And I am in love with California. Like totally head over heels infatuated. It's so pretty there...
And yet... I'm here.
Part of it has to do with the job. I am now Cedar Fort's Production Manager. It's pretty cool, actually. Except that I spend a lot of time on things that should only take me a few minutes because I haven't learned everything I need to yet and so I get stressed and I feel like I'm always about two steps from seriously messing things up. And the times when I don't feel like I'm two steps away from that are the times I have already messed something up and am now trying desperately to fix it. So far, nothing major has happened--at least nothing that was my fault. But I feel like it's only a matter of time.
Part of it has to do with my social life. I had one in California, but it was getting a bit stale. Which is not in ANY way a reflection on the tons of wonderful people I left behind. I love them. I miss them. And I'm sure it was mostly my fault that I didn't exactly feel like I was making progress in my relationships there. The ironic thing is, now I'm in Utah where I have no social life. And it's actually kind of nice. I mean, okay, that's not true. By most normal standards, I do have a social life. I went out to dinner three times this week with friends, and I only spent one night in my room watching a BBC drama on Netflix, so that's about par for the course with me. But I don't feel like I have a social life here because... there are so many people here that I don't know. And compared to my roommates, who are all still in college and really bubbly and cute (I love them), I don't stay up late hosting parties and chatting with people. I go to bed at 11ish because I have work in the morning.
I know comparisons are silly, especially because I really like my life the way it is. I know this and yet I do it anyway.
Part of it has to do with my needing to prove to myself that I can live here on my terms. When I lived in Provo during college, I got swallowed up by how big this place is. I sort of lost myself for awhile. I didn't feel like I fit in. I got really homesick. I went through some depression issues. I spent several semesters skipping class and hiding out on campus so my roommates would think I was living a productive, normal student life. But instead I would spend the hours reading in the campus bookstore or playing around on the internet in the computer labs. That's why I almost failed out of college. Yep. True story.
Now there's a permanent part of me that's always worried I'll slip back into that mode. I overcompensate for it, actually. I freak out if my room stays unorganized for too long or if I hit snooze on my alarm more than two days in a row. It's not so bad now as it used to be. I'm starting to trust myself to take care of me, but it's been a long road.
Okay, I'll stop rambling. Wow I get verbose when I'm moody. Sorry about that. I hope you skimmed. Here, maybe a nice pretty picture of Utah will get things back on track. I took this one yesterday.
The real actual reason that I moved here is that it seemed like the right thing to do. I don't know if everyone reading my blog believes in prayer. I do. And I assume you do too, reader, because I only ever assume that about three people read my blog. (It feels safer for me to write this if I only think about it going out to three people.) Anyway, I prayed about this whole thing and I felt like I needed to move... here... now.
So I'm here.
To answer the question more specifically, I am in a nice comfy chair on the fourth floor in my favorite sitting area of my favorite building on BYU's campus.
I am here in a totally silent building on a Saturday night, feeling so much older than everyone else around me and yet still so clueless about where my life is headed. All I know is that I'm here.
For now... I'm here.
Except, that I'm about to not be here anymore because now that I have finished blogging and I've finished the other tasks I came here to do (one for work, one for my novel), I am going home to watch more of that BBC drama. And since I like to end things on a happy note, here are some beautiful pictures of the beautiful people I am currently watching in The Paradise, which happens to be really, really good. Just saying.