Why don't you wear your hair up?

This story starts a long time ago. In the fall of 2008, I was finishing my last semester of college.

Up to that point I had thought college was the worst thing I would ever have to go through in my life. I frequently skipped class and spent my days reading in the on-campus bookstore. I battled depression, especially in the winter months. And my introverted self was not the best at striking up conversations with random people on campus or attending social functions in order to meet men and get married, which any girl who has attended BYU will tell you is one of those things you’re “supposed” to do while you’re there. I had a few really good close friends I liked to hang out with, and for the most part, I also had great roommates. But yeah, college was hard for me.

So you can see why that fall I was so ready to graduate and be done. I was super pumped at the thought of moving out of Utah and moving on with my life. Of course, that’s not exactly what happened. I did graduate, barely, but I got offered a job at Cedar Fort a few weeks before my last day of class that fall semester, and I took the job. That meant staying in Utah.

And that’s when things started to get a little crazy. Over the course of the next year, I . . .

1. Graduated
2. Started a new job
3. Moved twice
4. Bought a house with my parents
5. Went through the temple
6. Gained a sister-in-law
7. Tried to renovate my house on a very limited budget
8. Became a landlord
9. Joined a new ward
10. And worried about money and my life and my future all the time!

This is right after we bought the house.

Looking back on it now, I kind of wish I could tell my younger self to slow down. That was a lot to take on in one year. I was basically twenty-four going on thirty-four, but without all the life experiences to put things into proper perspective. As you might imagine, it ended up wreaking havoc on my physical health, my mental health, my emotions, and my hormones.

Kitchen renovation in progress

I was crazy stressed out a lot of the time. And going from walking around campus to sitting at a desk every day meant that I gained weight very quickly. That in turn caused additional health problems, some of which have had lasting effects. Eventually, I went in to see a doctor and things settled down and I mostly got back to normal. But as I said, a few of these health problems persisted.

At this point I need to mention that I’ve always had very unusual skin. For one thing, it’s really dry. I’ve never had a pimple; that’s how dry my skin is. But it also means that I get dandruff really easily. My red face and the bumps all over my skin (keratosis pelaris) aren’t entirely caused by my dry skin, but those things aren’t helped by it either.

I also need to mention that I love my dad. He’s the kind of guy who always wants to fix people’s problems. Which is an awesome thing to have in a dad because any time I mention something to him, he just jumps in and takes care of it.

And because my dad loves me and because he sometimes sees my skin as a potential problem, he periodically drags me kicking and screaming to the dermatologist’s office to see if there’s a cure yet. It’s sweet. And I should probably be nicer about it. But the thing is, I pretty much already know what they’re going to say: “Your skin is dry. Put this stuff on it every day or twice a day.” The “stuff” varies from doctor to doctor but it isn’t usually any more effective than regular lotion you can buy at a grocery store and that costs way less than anything they’ll prescribe you at a doctor’s office.

Sorry. That was a long aside. All of this information is to get you to the next part of the story. Because a few years after the house-buying and landlording and new-job-stressing, I found myself once again at the dermatologist’s office in order to appease my dad, who was worried about my dandruff and my dry skin, and the red face.

The weird thing was, this doctor had something new to say: your hair is really thin. It wasn’t a revelation to me. I had noticed. But suddenly I found myself thinking back to that time right after college and remembering the amount of hair I would find in the bathtub every time I showered. I remembered the sinking dread that this would keep happening and the twinging thoughts that it wasn’t normal. But in the midst of all my other stresses, at the time I didn’t feel like I had any bandwidth to deal with it.

And of course I just assumed my hair would grow back. As soon as I got my life and my hormones back in order, everything would go back to normal.

But it didn’t. I stopped losing large amounts of hair, which was good.

But now the dermatologist was telling me that my hair wasn’t going to grow back again. Ever. She said that my hair follicles were permanently scarred. I would never have my hair back and there was nothing that could be done about it.

After the initial surprise, I felt triumphant. I know that sounds weird, but I did. I said, “I told you so” to my dad for thinking that there was some miraculous cure at the dermatologist’s office. And because I really love who I am, regardless of how I look, the hair thing genuinely didn’t bother me for a long time.

Most of the time, it still doesn’t . . . except when I try to wear my hair up.

Because this is what happens.

Without much hair, you can see straight through to my dandruff-y scalp. And it just looks . . . weird. Weird enough that I’ve often felt self-conscious doing it, and so I haven’t lately. Instead I wear my hair down or pulled back in a low bun or ponytail. But there are times when you really want to wear your hair up! I took these pictures right after jogging on the treadmill. That’s one of those times when you just have to get the hair off your neck.

So why am I bringing this up now? Because I’m tired of trying to hide it all the time. And because I’m thinking about cutting my hair really short and I’m not sure if that would help the problem or make it worse. What do you guys think? Would short hair help anything?

I obviously don’t go around looking at the back of my head all the time, so maybe the efforts at hiding it haven’t been working anyway and I don’t even know.

I guess I just wanted to put this out there so that I can be honest about the fact that it does bother me sometimes. There are days when I look at girls with long, thick hair and think, I wish I could do that. But then there are other days when I remember how grateful I am that it takes me less than ten minutes to straighten my hair and that because my hair is curly it still has a lot of volume, even though there isn’t that much of it.

It’s like the dry skin thing and never having had acne. I try to focus on the positives. Plus, I like that no one I know is friends with me because they think I’m beautiful. They’re friends with me because they like who I am on the inside. I think that’s really cool that I can say that.

But what really inspired me to share this story was watching this video of a girl I so admire. I was one of her counselors one year at girl’s camp (several years ago now) and I just think she’s amazing. I didn’t ask her if I could share this video. In fact, I haven’t talked to her in years, but I’ve watched it several times since she put it online, and I just feel like it’s awesome that she’s being so open about this.

Honestly, I think all of us have things about ourselves that challenge us. Some people struggle with physical limitations. Some people are hurting on the inside. And a lot of the time we’re afraid to admit that we’re not perfect.

But no one is perfect. Well, no mortal person, anyway.

The important thing is to be honest with yourself and others, to keep trying, and to trust that God has a plan for you. He doesn’t make mistakes. He loves you no matter what you look like or how badly you mess up. He looks at your heart and sees your efforts to be better. And He’s always there to help you move forward.

Happy Sunday, everybody! I hope you’ve had a lovely one.

What did you speak on in church today?

For those who aren't familiar with LDS church services, we take turns speaking and sharing our feelings with each other as talks. Today in church I gave a talk on my favorite hymn and why it's my favorite. Though I have lots of favorites I chose, "Come Let Us Anew." I decided to share my talk on my blog because I feel like the message in this hymn is one that can apply to everyone. This hymn was written in the 1700s as a traditional Methodist hymn. I love it because it talks about improving ourselves and becoming better, which if you've read my blog for very long, you know I'm big on that kind of stuff. 

If you've never heard this hymn before or if it’s been awhile since you heard it, you might want to watch this video, so you’ll know what I’m talking about.

"Come Let Us Anew" is a hymn that we often sing around New Year’s and then forget about for the rest of the year, which is a bit of a shame, I think. The lyrics talk about renewing our commitment to living the gospel. And that’s something we do all the time not just at the beginning of a new year. We’ve been taught that when we take the sacrament, it’s a renewal of all of our covenants (Mackay, Ensign, March 1995).  We know temptations aren’t a one-time thing, they’re constant; we face them every day. For that same reason, our covenants can’t be a one-time thing. We need to constantly renew them.

So how do we do that? The answer can be found in the lyrics of this hymn, particularly in the verbs. Now, I should warn you all that I’m an English person. I majored in English, and I’ve been working as a professional editor for several years, so you’ll have to excuse me as I go a little grammar geeky on you. But if you pick out the verbs and verb phrases in the first verse of this hymn, you’ll notice some interesting things that we are told to do. I’ll list those actions for you now:

come

anew

pursue

roll round

never stand still

fulfill His will

improve our talents by the patience of hope and the labor of love

That’s the first verse. The second verse talks about how we need to hurry up and work on these things now because our lives will fly by so fast. And the third verse is about how wonderful it will be when we meet the Savior again and report on the progress we’ve made.

But today I want to focus on just this first verse because I think there are things we can all improve on. And that’s the true message of this song: that we can always improve.

So let’s start with that first verb: come. Why is it important for us to come? To me, that word expresses the importance of attending our church meetings and being present with the body of the saints. I think it’s significant that when we renew our covenants with God, when we take the sacrament, we do it all together. I think that there is great strength to be found in participating in a community of people who are all striving to become better. We can encourage each other and hold each other accountable. When one of us struggles, we all struggle together. That’s what we’ve covenanted to do, after all: “bear one another’s burdens.”

The verse continues by talking about pursuing our journey back to Heavenly Father. Even when we have setbacks, we need to “roll round” and keep moving forward. We can “never stand still” because when we think everything is fine, Nephi tells us that that’s really Satan trying to convince us that we don’t need to worry about our sins because they don’t really hurt us. But the truth is that none of us is perfect. There will always be things we can do to improve. I know that might sound depressing, like you’ll never get a break from the hard work of repenting, but there is some hope coming up in the next few lines of the verse.

The next line talks about how Christ’s commandments should be something that we fulfill gladly. Living the gospel should be “adorable” to us, in the sense that we adore or love following His will. I’m not sure about you, but I have definitely had times when I was obeying the commandments just because I knew I was supposed to and not because I truly wanted to. When those times happen, we have to pray for the desire to live righteously and pray for a deeper relationship with the Savior. It is so much easier to live the gospel because you love Christ than it is to live the gospel because someone told you to or because you’re supposed to. When we strengthen our relationship with the Savior, he helps us to stay on track and makes it easier for us to receive inspiration and guidance every day. In this way, living the gospel becomes personal for us and we can follow our personalized plans back to Heavenly Father.

In the final part of the first verse, we learn that we can improve our talents “by the patience of hope and the labor of love.” These words have become very important to me as I’ve pondered them over the years. I just talked about how it’s easier to live the gospel when you love the Savior. And that ties in with the idea that improving ourselves is a labor of love. I’ve found that it’s much easier to practice something when you already love it. Even if you’re not good at it, your interest will keep you going. For example, I am not good at playing the piano. I took lessons when I was little, but I quit in sixth grade and haven’t taken a lesson since. However I realized a few years ago that I still like to practice the piano. I can’t play well, but it’s still really fun for me to practice. And because it’s fun for me, I’ve gotten a little bit better at it. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that we become good at the things that we love to do most. So, again, we need to do whatever we can to learn to love improving ourselves because when we can turn that process into a labor of love, we’re much more likely to stick with it.

The last phrase I want to talk about in this hymn is “the patience of hope.” Patience is one of those virtues that we all think we have until we really need it, and then you realize how impatient you really are. That’s why I like that this hymn pairs patience with hope. Instead of trying to patiently endure, which sounds so painful, we can instead practice looking forward to the future with hope. I know that when we talk about talents in the church, we sometimes make talents synonymous with hobbies and that’s not really taking into account the whole scope of what a talent can be, but for simplicity’s sake, I’m going to talk about another one of my hobbies, and that’s writing. 

I don’t usually broadcast this fact, especially not over the pulpit, but I’ve now written eight books that have been published. When I think about my writing, I don’t think of it as something I need to endure until I’ve mastered it. I just keep doing it because I love it, because I have high hopes for my books, and because I also hope that my writing will help me better communicate with the people around me. Sometimes the things I write come together well and find an audience, and that’s great. Other times, that doesn’t happen. But no matter what, I know that I need to be patient with myself and have hope.

At the center of all this change and improvement is our Savior’s Atonement. None of it would work without that.The Atonement allows us to keep improving, even when we think we’ve fallen too far and that there’s no hope for us. I am so grateful for a Savior who died to give us that hope. I am grateful for the testimony He has given me to know that I can change and that we all can. Repenting is hard work, but it is the best work we can do and it does make us happy. I hope that we can each continually renew our covenants and improve our talents so that, as the end of this hymn says, we can “each from [our] Lord . . . receive the glad word: well and faithfully done. Enter into my joy and sit down on my throne.”

I’m grateful for the many examples I have in my life and the people that I get to join with as we all renew our covenants together and strive to improve so that we can return to our Heavenly Father someday.

Should I start wearing a uniform?

Today we're going to talk about something I strongly dislike: clothing. I have never been one of those girly girls who loved to go clothes shopping. I think part of that has to do with my lifelong struggles with my weight and subsequent body image issues. And while I've gotten a lot better at picking out clothes that work for me and go well together, it's still not something I enjoy. I always feel like I'm getting dressed for other people and not for myself. And I loathe shopping. It's seriously a chore for me and I feel like I have to reward myself when it's over.

So, with that background, you'll understand why I was excited to hear about an idea I think might be perfect for me. Have you guys ever heard of this thing called a capsule wardrobe or a daily uniform?

The idea is that you wear pretty much the same thing every day so that you don't have to make decisions about what to put on every single morning. At first I was skeptical, but I've been getting more and more into minimalism lately, and I feel like this is something I should try since I basically wear the same thing every day anyway.

A similar idea is Project 333, in which you choose 33 items to wear for three months. I actually decided to do this recently and for the most part I've enjoyed the process so far. For one thing, I love that all of my clothes fit into three small drawers and a small section of my hanging space. That just makes me super happy.

In case you're curious, my 33 things are:

1. black dress

2. blue dress

3. patterned dress

4. long patterned skirt

5. purple skirt

6. short patterned skirt

7. WGU polo

8. pink blouse

9. green cardigan

10. gray cardigan

11. white cardigan

12. green jacket

13. gray peacoat

14. red hoodie

15. blue hoodie

16. pajama pants

17. Ghostbusters t-shirt that I sleep in (It's super comfy)

18. Amador Dons Boys Volleyball t-shirt (sometimes I sleep in this too)

19. yoga pants (also good for sleeping in)

20. pink sweater

21. black pants

22. sevenish shirts of various colors

And apparently one or two things I'm forgetting because I'm not at home right now.

Things I'm not counting in my 33 items: shoes, socks, tights, underwear, jewelry (which I hardly ever wear), my fitbit, gloves.

Like I said, I've mostly enjoyed this process. It started out just as an experiment to see if I would want to keep doing it, and I think I do, but I've also been surprised by a few things.

1. There are still clothes in my closet that I don't want to wear, even when they're my only options, which makes me wonder why I even own them if I don't absolutely love them.

2. I really dislike that there's a societal expectation that we not wear the same thing two days in a row. As long as your clothes look and smell clean, I don't see why it matters if you want to wear the same thing you did yesterday.

3. I still feel like I have to figure out what to wear every morning and that it's actually harder with fewer things than with more.

With respect to that last one, part of the issue is that several of the 33 items I picked only work with some of the other items, not with all of them. What I'd like to do is build a versatile wardrobe with only one interchangeable element so that everything works well together and I don't have to fight with my closet every morning.

I'm envisioning something like this:

- two pairs of black pants

- one long gray skirt (or maybe navy or a neutral green)

- gray cardigan and white cardigan

- seven to ten colored t-shirts

- one black dress (short or long, depending on the weather)

- pajama pants

- sleep shirt

- hoodie to wear to bed

- yoga pants

- one green jacket or one gray peacoat, depending on the weather

- maybe a scarf

- gloves

- socks or tights

- tennis shoes

- sandals or boots, depending on the weather

- a pair of nicer flats for church/work

- a pair of slip-ons or casual flats for work and running errands

- workout wear

- swimsuit

Doesn't that sounds idyllic? 

Okay, it probably doesn't for you. I understand that there are plenty of people out there who actually love the process of getting dressed in the morning. They like assembling ensembles and picking their perfect look for the day.

I am just not one of those people.

More and more I'm realizing the one of my biggest core values is simplicity. I love it when my everyday life is easy and automatic. This frees up my brain for bigger creative endeavors, like writing, and it makes it more likely that I'll be able to spend at least a little time each day doing nothing at all except admiring the beautiful world around me. Whether I'm sitting in a park with my journal in my lap or driving down a deserted country road or walking (hiking) around my neighborhood, those are the moments when I feel most alive. And for me, there is nothing life-enhancing about the process of getting dressed in the morning.

Back in the day (only about 120 years ago) most people had a de facto daily uniform because they only owned one or two outfits to begin with. And it seems like that worked out just fine for them. For girls it was usually something like one or two school dresses and a nice dress for church, plus some underwear and outerwear. Honestly, that doesn't sound so bad. I'm not advocating that we all go back to that; I'm just pointing out the precedent.

There are plenty of modern folks who do (or did) this too: Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs, Barack Obama, Albert Einstein. Check out this article for more info.

So yeah, don't be surprised if I suddenly start wearing the same thing every single day. I really think I might do this. If you can think of any reasons I shouldn't or if you just want to comment on the idea in general, feel free to leave me a message, here or on facebook.

Of course, the one barrier to this plan, and it's a big one, is that I don't currently own all of the items I'd want to include in my capsule wardrobe. And that means I'll have to do something I really don't want to do: go shopping. Ugh. Wish me luck with that. I'm going to need it.

But maybe the benefits will outweigh the initial burden. I'll just need to keep reminding myself that once I've assembled this wardrobe and worn it for awhile to make sure it works. I could theoretically get rid of all my other clothes and move right into my tiny house, with no need to store excess clothing. Plus can you imagine how easy it would be to pack for a vacation? Sounds awesome.

One thing I do think I will want to change if I do this is how I approach my laundry. I've long admired this little hand-powered washing machine.

It doesn't hold a ton, but I don't see why that would be a problem if I don't own much to begin with. And it really doesn't make sense to run a big, traditional washing machine with only my small load in it. Plus, again, it would make sense in a tiny house, where I'd like to cut down on the amount of energy I use.

It all just makes sense to me. What do you think, though? Are there issues I'm not considering or concerns I haven't thought of yet? Would you want to wear the same thing every day? If not, why not? Or should I just go for it and see where the choice takes me?

How much do you make in royalties?

This is one of those taboo topics for authors. Rarely do you hear one author ask another how much they've made on their books. It's just not often done. And that's fine. I'm not comfortable asking people to share information they're not interested in giving me.

But when it comes to my personal experience, I don't mind telling you that it hasn't been a lot. But it also hasn't been nothing.

Unfortunately I don't keep meticulous records nor do I have a separate bank account for my royalties, though those both seem like good ideas, which means that I can't give you an exact number. But I can tell you that on average it's typically been around $600–$1200 per book, depending on the royalty percentage in my contract and how well the books sell. Total that up for 9 books now and you get to $5400–$10,800.

To some people that will seem like a lot of money, and it is if you think about how this is just a hobby, not a job, and how great it is to get paid for something that you think is so fun you'd do it anyway.

But other people will be dropping their jaws going, really, that's it???? Yep. That's it. That's all there is. And except for the more recent royalty checks I've gotten, which have gone straight to my tiny house fund, that money is pretty much all gone now.

I'm too math-averse to work out the number of hours I spend writing and try to give you an average per-hour rate for my career as an author, but I can tell you that it wouldn't look pretty. A couple of my books have taken less than a week to write, but that's definitely the exception, not the norm. Fiction takes WAY longer than that. And then if you tally in the hours I've spent at events promoting and signing my books, the per-hour take-home pay would go down even more.

Granted, there are things I could do to increase my earnings. I could do a better job of marketing my books in so many ways, and I'm sure that would make my publisher a lot happier with me. But the fact of the matter is that I do as much as I can, and I also understand that there are limits to how much a publisher can contribute. I've been on both sides of this equation, which means that I sometimes have inner arguments between my author self and my publishing self. It would be more entertaining if it weren't so annoying.

In case you're a new reader or you've lost track (it happens) and you're wondering what those nine books are, it all started with this journal, What Do You Believe? which I rarely talk about because I think it's pretty hard to find these days and my name's not technically on the cover or anything. But it's basically a question and answer journal for teens, asking them to write about their testimonies. I wrote all the questions and my friend Angela designed it. You can click on the link if you're curious.

Then there were five books in the Tiny Talks series, including this one.

I still love this cover!

That puts our total at six. Then in 2015, my first novel came out in May: Liam Darcy, I Loathe You.

In August, my first board book came out: 1, 2, 3 with Nephi and Me! That makes eight.

And the ninth one is Time to Share, which just came out in November.

Anyway, I wanted to address this question because I've had a few people ask lately. For the record, I don't mind talking about this stuff. I'll even show you my royalty statements if you really want to know about the nitty-gritty details.

While it would be nice if I made a little bit more, I really don't do it for the money or the prestige—what little there is of both. I do it because it's my way of connecting with the world. I love writing. I love my books. This is what I do, and I want to keep doing it.

You can get all caught up in the numbers. You can obsess about how many copies you've sold and how popular you are on Amazon and how many people liked your last post—and believe me, I do all that sometimes. But I think I'm better off as an author and a person when I can just be grateful for what I have: a collection of words I wrote that I hope are making a small difference in a big world.

If this post has crushed your dreams of becoming a successful author and making a fortune off your writing, I'm sorry about the reality check. If it helps, I know some authors who make a lot more than I do. But I also know authors who make a lot less. And I know plenty of authors who make right around the same amount.

I don't think you need to measure your success based on how much you make or how many people read your books. I think a successful author is one who keeps writing, keeps improving, and never gives up on herself (or himself).

And with that, I think I'll get back to writing! I hope you do too!

What do you mean you're not setting goals this year?

This is it, folks. I've been going back and forth about this idea for a month or so, but it's really happening now. I'm putting it on the blog and that means it's real.

My one resolution for 2016 is to not set any goals for a whole year.

What????

Already this is giving me anxiety. This means no more to-do lists. No more checking off the boxes every day or every week or every month. How on earth am I going to accomplish anything if I don't tell myself ahead of time what I want to accomplish?

Okay. Hold up a second.

I should give you some background. I LOVE New Year's. I love the idea of starting fresh and improving and changing and achieving and making my future happen. I have always loved those things. And I still do, but I think my love of all of that has gone a little too far.

It's gone from the nice, happy kind of love to the obsessive, creepy, stalking kind of love.

How do I know this?

Well, I've suspected for awhile now that my love of thinking about the future is really just a disguised way of not thinking about or even escaping the present. And that's not so good. That means I'm never fully enjoying the current moment because I'm hyper focused on future possibilities.

Another clue: I can get really hung up on my goals. Sometimes I stick to them just because I said I would, even when I no longer care about accomplishing them. This isn't always the case, of course. I fail at my resolutions just like everyone else does, but there are times when I stubbornly stick by some foolhardy idea I had in January long past when I should've let it go, all because it was a GOAL, goshdarnit.

That's not really how I want to live my life. I want the flexibility to choose in the moment what I want to do in that moment. I want to be able to focus on the present and enjoy what life has to offer each day without worrying about how it's going to fit into the overall scheme of my year.

I still love making plans, but I want to challenge myself to live without a plan for awhile.

As I mentioned, that's a scary thought for me. But as I also mentioned, I've been thinking about this for about a month, and I know that it's the right thing for me to do right now.

So instead of resolutions, I've decided to think about 2016 in terms of expectations. These aren't things I'm going to expect of myself or bars I'm expecting myself to clear. They're just things that I expect are likely going to happen, based on my current habits and interests.

1. I expect I'll move into a tiny house this year. Probably in the fall.
2. I expect I'll do a lot more traveling. I have some good trips in the works already and a few more I've been considering.
3. I expect I'll be going to the dentist a lot. (Long story, but this is actually a big step for me.)
4. I expect I'll probably write another book or two. I tend to do that.
5. I expect to spend a lot more time doing the things I love just because I enjoy them instead of worrying about getting things done by a specific self-imposed deadline.
6. I expect that I'll get better at following promptings from the Lord as I learn to put my plans aside in favor of what He has planned for me that day.

That last one is really the biggest reason for doing this.

I realized the other day that all my past resolutions, even when I prayed about them and felt like I got a heavenly stamp of approval on them, were really just my way of trying to control my life. But the truth is that I don't need to be in control. I actually shouldn't be. Instead I should leave the controls to someone who knows what He's doing.

I hope I can do that. But it's been hard to quit cold turkey. I keep finding to-do lists and goals everywhere: in my email, on my phone, in my brain.

Also, I want to make it clear that this is a very personal thing. This approach is right for me right now because of how overboard I've been with goals in the past. But if you're setting goals or working on them now, I think that's awesome and I am totally going to support you. In fact I'm a little bit envious that you get to set goals. I think I'm in resolution withdrawal right now. It's okay. I'll get over it.

So yeah. This is going to be an interesting year. But it will be a good year, too. I'll learn a lot. I might get into a scary downward spiral of non-productivity. But I can't really see that happening. In any case, I just want to see where this goes. I want to rediscover what it is that I do every day when I'm not telling myself that I should be doing X thing.

Today, for example, I did this: woke up, got ready, unloaded the dishwasher, went to work, deleted a game on my phone that I've been addicted to for months, ran an errand on my way home, worked on revising my Nano novel, wrote cards to some friends, practiced the piano, watched an episode of Parenthood, had dinner with my grandparents, helped my grandma revise a paper she's writing, watched two more episodes of Parenthood (apparently, I'm really into that right now) and I blogged (duh). After I post this I'm going to read my scriptures, brush my teeth, and go to bed.

That seems like a pretty great day. Sure, some part of me is concerned that I spent multiple hours watching television, but it's better than playing that stupid game on my phone. Plus there was a lot of other good stuff mixed in there too. Anyway it's a start, you know?

I wouldn't mind a whole year of days like that, with maybe a little less TV time.

And I don't think I'll need to set any goals to make that happen.

Wish me luck!

PS—Happy 100th post, everyone. :) Here's to 100 more. (Dang it! That sounds a lot like a goal to me. This is going to be harder than I thought...)

What kind of life do you want?

This is one of those questions I spend hours contemplating. Don't we all?

I know there are people on the fringe who think that they are the only enlightened ones and that the rest of the world is living like muggles or mindless drones enslaved to consumerism/popular culture/other people's opinions/the powers that be/whatever. That's pretty much the premise of all dystopian fiction,

from this

to this

But I don't actually believe that's true of our world. I don't think people are drones or muggles. I think we're all regular people. I think we live in regular-topia, not dys- or u- topia.

And it seems to me that most regular people live intentionally, even if they don't use that term. We all make choices about what to do with our money, our time, and our other finite resources. We choose what to watch, where to live, when to go to bed at night. Some of those choices are good and others are bad, but they're still choices. No one actually lives on autopilot. And if you feel like you are living on autopilot, it's easy to fix that. Just choose something different. Start with one little thing.

Okay, this is turning into a motivational poster, which was not exactly my intent. Ahem. Getting back on track . . .

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm saving up to purchase a tiny house. This isn't one of those little, everyday choices; it's a big a decision, one I've come to slowly and deliberately. I don't want to go into my entire history with tiny houses. That's another story for another post. For today, let's just say that this is something I've spent nearly five years considering, which is basically half of my adult life. I've gone through all the stages of tiny house obsession:

1. the initial awe and aimless daydreaming
2. the realization that this dream will be harder to achieve and will require more sacrifices than I anticipated
3. the conversations with family and friends, explaining that I'm not actually crazy (Well, not as crazy. We're all a little crazy.)
4. the "Oh, yeah, I have to pay for this. How am I going to do that?" part
5. the logistics of it all—parking, financing, building vs. buying, floorplans, utilities, timelines, downsizing my possessions, and on and on and on

Through all of this, I've kept quiet about tiny houses on the blog. This is mostly because for the first part of the process I wasn't blogging and for the second part, in spite of my best efforts, I really wasn't sure I'd be able to make it happen. So I kept quiet, but I also kept thinking about the kind of life I wanted and how to achieve it.

Now that I can say with confidence that it's going to happen, I'm starting to freak out a little bit. One of my biggest fears in life is that I'll work super hard for something and then realize after I get it that I didn't really want that thing I worked so hard for. I'm not going to lie, this could very well happen with my tiny house. That's why I've decided to call my tiny house The Folly.

I picked the name months ago because a folly can be defined as a costly ornamental building or a really egregious error. That double meaning amuses me.

So why am I still determined to do it even if I think it might turn out to be a bad idea?

Because I know what kind of life I want.

Remember my PQLR? (If not, see this post.) It's basically a quick way to see how my choices align with my personal values.

Living in a tiny house currently scores a 19.5 out of 20. In comparison, writing fiction full time scores a 16, and I love writing! Going to girls camp, which I also really love, gets a score of 18. To be perfectly honest, the only thing that ranks higher than moving into a tiny house is marrying my absolute ideal guy. And since that's not entirely under my control, I've decided to pursue this alternative in the meantime.

If I get married someday, great! I'll be even happier. If not, I want to make sure I'm living my life to the fullest right now. And for me, that means living in a tiny house.

Like this one! Look how pretty it is!

But there are always trade-offs. Yesterday was one of those days when I spent a lot of time thinking about the trade-offs.

It started in the morning when I looked at all the funds I've saved up so far to use as a down payment on my tiny house and I thought, "I could go on an awesome trip to Europe with that much money." Even though I like to think of myself as a person who loves to travel, the truth is, I haven't left North America more than three times in my whole life. I've been to a grand total of six countries, and one of those was only for a layover in an airport. Someday, I hope to change that.

Later in the day, I thought about how "going tiny," as it's called, could potentially narrow my career opportunities. I've never been the kind of person who dreamed of taking over the world or becoming a huge professional success. I think it's kind of inherent to writing and editing that you prioritize doing work you love over work that pays you well or earns you glory, laud, and honor. But yesterday something happened that made me feel like I was right on the cusp of a breakthrough in my career. And it made me wonder if now was really the right time for a tiny house.

Then last night I went to a fancy event downtown with my grandparents. It was their birthday present to me, and it was really a wonderful evening. I got to eat yummy, expensive food; meet lots of prominent, influential people from our church; and listen to a speaker I deeply admire and respect. And I thought about how the trade off for living a small, simple life is not knowing what you could've done if you'd really tried to do something big. Standing there in that room, talking to those people, I realized that I've been blessed with some incredible advantages. If I wanted to, I could capitalize on those and make something of myself the way each of those people had. I could become a serious force for good. I could serve so many people.

But . . . even as wonderful as all that sounds, it's not the life I really want.

Yes, traveling is important to me. It's one of the reasons a tiny house is so appealing. I want to be able to move my house around with me as I explore new places. And yes, my career is also important to me. I want to be able to work remotely someday so that I can continue doing the work I love, no matter where my house and I go. And yes, I do want to become a force for good, but I think the best way to do that will be to live in harmony with my personal values and to worry less about how big of an impact I'm making and more about doing the best I can to serve in whatever capacity I'm in. After all, Christ wasn't concerned with becoming influential; He was concerned with helping others individually.

I don't mean for any of this to come across as judgmental. If you want any of those things I mentioned, I am so ready to support you. I'm just trying to point out that for me, the trade-offs aren't worth it. I know exactly the kind of life I personally want. And I'm so thrilled to be so close to reaching it. People, I've got a dream. I hope you do too.

After I finished writing this far, I seriously debated about whether or not to actually post this. Part of me has always been nervous about talking about my future plans in case something goes wrong and the plan doesn't come to fruition. I'm not actually afraid of commitments, but it's one thing to personally commit to something and quite another thing to post that commitment on the internet.

Posting this feels like a promise to you all and to myself that I'm actually going to do this, and as much as I would like to move in tomorrow, truth be told, there are still several hurdles to clear before I can take that step. But then I reminded myself that I've overcome obstacles in pursuit of my dreams before. I can do it again. We all can.

In fact, we have to. Because it's our dreams that keep us from living on autopilot. They change us from muggles to wizards. And even if we find out later that they aren't exactly what we wanted, that's okay because the pursuit of them has already changed us for the better.

My pursuit of a tiny house has already changed so much about the way I live my life, and I can't wait to see how much more good will come from it once I'm actually living in The Folly.

So I guess this post really is a promise. I promise to pursue my dreams, even if they change, and to do my best to support others as they pursue theirs. I promise to keep you all posted on my tiny house progress. And I promise not to give up because I know that, as cheesy and motivational-poster-y as it sounds, our dreams are what make life worth living.

And that's the kind of life I want.

Did you miss me?

Because I missed you, blog. I really, really did.

It's been a whole month and five days since my last post, which I just realized is the longest I've gone without blogging since I started up again almost two years ago.

In that time we've almost made it to 100 total posts on this blog. This is number 98. I was going to wait to do all this reflecting until I actually made it to 100, but I figure no one but me will ever know or care about the numbers. We'll just call this post "pretend number 100" and let ourselves indulge in a bit of nostalgia. It's a cold December evening and less than a week away from my birthday. It would almost be wrong not to wax nostalgic.

But first, I should explain about the long break in blogging.

What have I been doing with myself? Honestly, not much. Mostly lots and lots of writing. I finally won NaNoWriMo. That's National Novel Writing Month, for the uninitiated and all those who have somehow missed my incessant facebook posting about it. To win you need to write 50K words in 30 days.

I first heard about Nanowrimo when I was still in college. Back then I knew that there was no way I could write a novel and also pass my classes, so I responsibly opted to put off the noveling (which is not to say that I actually passed all of my classes, but that's a different story). After college I tried four different times to write 50K words in a month, but it wasn't until this year that I actually succeeded. Go me!

I credit all my success this time to a couple of other authors who were my writing buddies on the Nanowrimo site. I knew they would win, so I just tried to keep up with them. That worked fine until I went on vacation. My family is great, but they're a serious time suck. (Just kidding, guys, if you read this. I loved being with you!) But after a week of that I had to literally lock myself in a hotel room alone ALL DAY to get back on track.

This is where I wrote all day. Not to brag, but I 'm pretty sure 8,800 words in one day is my new personal record

And this is where I collapsed and watched HGTV after I ran out of words.

But really, besides the noveling and two trips to California, I have done almost nothing in the past month.

Except think. I'm always doing that. I can't help but think about where I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. And now we've reached the nostalgia portion of the post.

When I first started blogging again, all those posts and years ago, I said that I would talk about all the different parts of my life, not just my books. I also said that I would have to be "brutally, ridiculously, and sometimes boringly honest because that's just how I am when I write to myself."

Have I done that? I've spilled my guts a few times. I've talked about things that I'd never be able to talk about in a real conversation. And I do my best not to keep things from you all, unless it's not my secret to tell.

But I think I could get better.

I still feel like there's a lot about me that people don't know. And maybe no one wants to know this stuff. But if I can't say things out loud, then I should at least make an attempt to say them in writing. That's always been easier for me to do.

And I've learned a few things from all this blogging. I've learned that I need to be more open on my blog and in real life too. It's hard to do, but it's the only way to really connect with people. Otherwise it just feels fake and you constantly worry that all of the people you know are about to leave the second they realize who you really are.

Your flaws may not be something you're proud of, but they make you who you are just as much as your strengths and accomplishments do. And when someone really cares about you, they love your flaws too. They want to see them. They don't want you to feel like you have to hide all the time or put on a show. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to keep blogging, and I'm going to do my best to keep peeling back the layers and letting you all in on who I really am. I hope that's okay with you.

So with that in mind, here are a few things that are going on right now that I haven't really told people about. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are just life.

1. I'm saving up to buy a tiny house. And I'm OBSESSED with it. I think about my house ALL the time. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to tell you about this when I get a little closer to making it a reality. Probably more than you want to know. Just wait till I start posting about composting toilets. ;)

This is the one I want. And I WANT it.

2. I haven't heard back about the second Jane Journals book, but the first one did not sell especially well. It did okay, but not outstanding, so I'm thinking the second one may not make it into print. This makes me wonder about the future of my writing career.

3. I've been slowly gaining weight and ignoring it. I hate when I do this. But I haven't yet reached the point of hatred at which I feel like actually doing something about it. And I sure as cuss don't want anyone else to offer me helpful suggestions about what I should do. I will deal with it when I feel like dealing with it.

4. It's winter. And it's cold. I miss long hours of sunlight. I miss when it was warm.

5. My job is pretty great. I like the people I work with a lot. I still love working up high in an office building with a good view of the mountains. And I'm learning new things and developing new skills. Those are good feelings.

6. I do really miss publishing. I was good at that. I'm not sure I'm good at my new job. I think I'm okay, but I'm not sure my heart will ever be in it the way it was when I worked in publishing.

7. I LOVE living with my grandparents. It's been really fun to get to know them better, and I still get that thrill of flashbacks to my childhood at random moments and places in their house. I love that feeling.

8. Salt Lake City is super cool. The houses here are awesome. There are some really unique neighborhoods to explore. I've tried lots of yummy restaurants. And I love living close to the airport, the temple, Park City, downtown, and lots of other stuff. When I was in California last week, I found myself missing Salt Lake. I've never really felt that way about anywhere in Utah before.

9. I miss having a bike.

The good old days.

10. I feel a little directionless right now. I used to think I knew where my life was headed, but now I'm not sure what my big goals for life are anymore. All I know is that I want to move into a tiny house and continue to write for myself, even if no one else will ever read my writing.

11. I'm not sure I'll ever get married. My feelings about this range from content to patiently hopeful to despairing, depending on the day (or hour). And there are also times when I'm really, really happy about not being married. Like ecstatic. It's just really fun to think about all the things I want to do with my life and know that I'll most likely get to do them, that no one will be able to get in the way of me pursuing my dreams. I know that's probably not how I'm supposed to feel, but . . . honesty, right? Of course, I'd still rather find someone who wants to pursue our dreams together, but if I don't, I'm okay with that. Usually.

12. I'm thinking about dying my hair blonde because my latest protagonist is blonde and I want to know how it feels so I can write from her perspective more authentically. Of course she's also from 1974; I'm not sure how to replicate that. But going blonde would be a start. This urge is odd because I've never ever wanted to be blonde before, and I'm generally opposed to dying my hair. But maybe I'll do it just to see what it's like.

13. I miss having a good group of friends. When I started this blog I was a lot more of a social butterfly than I am now. I should probably make more of an effort in this area. I have no one to blame for my lack of connections but myself. I'm terrible about reaching out, even when I know I need to.

14. I'm planning on enrolling at WGU (where I work) to get a masters because I get this crazy awesome discount on tuition, but I can't decide what degree to pursue. (See number 10 above.)

15. I can't believe it's already December. I can't believe I've been working at my new job for 4 months already. I can't believe I moved back to Utah over a year and a half ago. I can't believe how much the kids I used to nanny have grown up since then. I can't believe my sister Ali will be home from her mission in three months. I can't believe my niece and nephew are both over a year old. Time is flying.

16. Lately I've been thinking about pets. I think I might want to get one when I have my own house again. But the last pet I really loved was Jeeves, my little cat who got hit by a car right before my birthday. It's been years since then and I've lived with other pets, but it hasn't felt the same. I'm still a little scarred. I usually blame allergies and uncertain living situations for my lack of a pet, but that's not the whole story. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever again trust myself to be solely responsible for another living thing. (Not counting the basil plants I keep on my windowsill. Or those kids I nannied; I always handed them back to their parents at the end of the day.)

For now I'll stick with Scotch, the bunny that lives in the backyard. 

He's not exactly a pet, but he'll do.

Well, I think that's enough honesty for one day. Sorry this post is so long and rambly. That's what happens when I get nostalgic. It's also kind of a downer, isn't it?

But I don't want you guys to worry about me. I've always loved those verses about the different times and seasons in life, and even though in some ways this particular season may not be the most glamorous or exciting one, I'm still glad to be in it. I know there are lessons I need to learn now and ways in which I need to serve. I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time and that there are still lots of good things in store for me.

As usual, I don't actually have all the answers. But I never really promised that I would. In fact, that same post that I quoted earlier ended with these words: "I can't promise that I'll be able to give you a correct answer, but I can promise to be honest. And now comes the part where I cross my fingers and hope this isn't a big mistake."

I know now that it hasn't been a mistake at all. It's been really, really good for me.

And it's only going to get better.