Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Did you miss me?

Because I missed you, blog. I really, really did.

It's been a whole month and five days since my last post, which I just realized is the longest I've gone without blogging since I started up again almost two years ago.

In that time we've almost made it to 100 total posts on this blog. This is number 98. I was going to wait to do all this reflecting until I actually made it to 100, but I figure no one but me will ever know or care about the numbers. We'll just call this post "pretend number 100" and let ourselves indulge in a bit of nostalgia. It's a cold December evening and less than a week away from my birthday. It would almost be wrong not to wax nostalgic.

But first, I should explain about the long break in blogging.

What have I been doing with myself? Honestly, not much. Mostly lots and lots of writing. I finally won NaNoWriMo. That's National Novel Writing Month, for the uninitiated and all those who have somehow missed my incessant facebook posting about it. To win you need to write 50K words in 30 days.

I first heard about Nanowrimo when I was still in college. Back then I knew that there was no way I could write a novel and also pass my classes, so I responsibly opted to put off the noveling (which is not to say that I actually passed all of my classes, but that's a different story). After college I tried four different times to write 50K words in a month, but it wasn't until this year that I actually succeeded. Go me!

I credit all my success this time to a couple of other authors who were my writing buddies on the Nanowrimo site. I knew they would win, so I just tried to keep up with them. That worked fine until I went on vacation. My family is great, but they're a serious time suck. (Just kidding, guys, if you read this. I loved being with you!) But after a week of that I had to literally lock myself in a hotel room alone ALL DAY to get back on track.

This is where I wrote all day. Not to brag, but I 'm pretty sure 8,800 words in one day is my new personal record

And this is where I collapsed and watched HGTV after I ran out of words.

But really, besides the noveling and two trips to California, I have done almost nothing in the past month.

Except think. I'm always doing that. I can't help but think about where I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. And now we've reached the nostalgia portion of the post.

When I first started blogging again, all those posts and years ago, I said that I would talk about all the different parts of my life, not just my books. I also said that I would have to be "brutally, ridiculously, and sometimes boringly honest because that's just how I am when I write to myself."

Have I done that? I've spilled my guts a few times. I've talked about things that I'd never be able to talk about in a real conversation. And I do my best not to keep things from you all, unless it's not my secret to tell.

But I think I could get better.

I still feel like there's a lot about me that people don't know. And maybe no one wants to know this stuff. But if I can't say things out loud, then I should at least make an attempt to say them in writing. That's always been easier for me to do.

And I've learned a few things from all this blogging. I've learned that I need to be more open on my blog and in real life too. It's hard to do, but it's the only way to really connect with people. Otherwise it just feels fake and you constantly worry that all of the people you know are about to leave the second they realize who you really are.

Your flaws may not be something you're proud of, but they make you who you are just as much as your strengths and accomplishments do. And when someone really cares about you, they love your flaws too. They want to see them. They don't want you to feel like you have to hide all the time or put on a show. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to keep blogging, and I'm going to do my best to keep peeling back the layers and letting you all in on who I really am. I hope that's okay with you.

So with that in mind, here are a few things that are going on right now that I haven't really told people about. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are just life.

1. I'm saving up to buy a tiny house. And I'm OBSESSED with it. I think about my house ALL the time. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to tell you about this when I get a little closer to making it a reality. Probably more than you want to know. Just wait till I start posting about composting toilets. ;)

This is the one I want. And I WANT it.

2. I haven't heard back about the second Jane Journals book, but the first one did not sell especially well. It did okay, but not outstanding, so I'm thinking the second one may not make it into print. This makes me wonder about the future of my writing career.

3. I've been slowly gaining weight and ignoring it. I hate when I do this. But I haven't yet reached the point of hatred at which I feel like actually doing something about it. And I sure as cuss don't want anyone else to offer me helpful suggestions about what I should do. I will deal with it when I feel like dealing with it.

4. It's winter. And it's cold. I miss long hours of sunlight. I miss when it was warm.

5. My job is pretty great. I like the people I work with a lot. I still love working up high in an office building with a good view of the mountains. And I'm learning new things and developing new skills. Those are good feelings.

6. I do really miss publishing. I was good at that. I'm not sure I'm good at my new job. I think I'm okay, but I'm not sure my heart will ever be in it the way it was when I worked in publishing.

7. I LOVE living with my grandparents. It's been really fun to get to know them better, and I still get that thrill of flashbacks to my childhood at random moments and places in their house. I love that feeling.

8. Salt Lake City is super cool. The houses here are awesome. There are some really unique neighborhoods to explore. I've tried lots of yummy restaurants. And I love living close to the airport, the temple, Park City, downtown, and lots of other stuff. When I was in California last week, I found myself missing Salt Lake. I've never really felt that way about anywhere in Utah before.

9. I miss having a bike.

The good old days.

10. I feel a little directionless right now. I used to think I knew where my life was headed, but now I'm not sure what my big goals for life are anymore. All I know is that I want to move into a tiny house and continue to write for myself, even if no one else will ever read my writing.

11. I'm not sure I'll ever get married. My feelings about this range from content to patiently hopeful to despairing, depending on the day (or hour). And there are also times when I'm really, really happy about not being married. Like ecstatic. It's just really fun to think about all the things I want to do with my life and know that I'll most likely get to do them, that no one will be able to get in the way of me pursuing my dreams. I know that's probably not how I'm supposed to feel, but . . . honesty, right? Of course, I'd still rather find someone who wants to pursue our dreams together, but if I don't, I'm okay with that. Usually.

12. I'm thinking about dying my hair blonde because my latest protagonist is blonde and I want to know how it feels so I can write from her perspective more authentically. Of course she's also from 1974; I'm not sure how to replicate that. But going blonde would be a start. This urge is odd because I've never ever wanted to be blonde before, and I'm generally opposed to dying my hair. But maybe I'll do it just to see what it's like.

13. I miss having a good group of friends. When I started this blog I was a lot more of a social butterfly than I am now. I should probably make more of an effort in this area. I have no one to blame for my lack of connections but myself. I'm terrible about reaching out, even when I know I need to.

14. I'm planning on enrolling at WGU (where I work) to get a masters because I get this crazy awesome discount on tuition, but I can't decide what degree to pursue. (See number 10 above.)

15. I can't believe it's already December. I can't believe I've been working at my new job for 4 months already. I can't believe I moved back to Utah over a year and a half ago. I can't believe how much the kids I used to nanny have grown up since then. I can't believe my sister Ali will be home from her mission in three months. I can't believe my niece and nephew are both over a year old. Time is flying.

16. Lately I've been thinking about pets. I think I might want to get one when I have my own house again. But the last pet I really loved was Jeeves, my little cat who got hit by a car right before my birthday. It's been years since then and I've lived with other pets, but it hasn't felt the same. I'm still a little scarred. I usually blame allergies and uncertain living situations for my lack of a pet, but that's not the whole story. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever again trust myself to be solely responsible for another living thing. (Not counting the basil plants I keep on my windowsill. Or those kids I nannied; I always handed them back to their parents at the end of the day.)

For now I'll stick with Scotch, the bunny that lives in the backyard. 
He's not exactly a pet, but he'll do.

Well, I think that's enough honesty for one day. Sorry this post is so long and rambly. That's what happens when I get nostalgic. It's also kind of a downer, isn't it?

But I don't want you guys to worry about me. I've always loved those verses about the different times and seasons in life, and even though in some ways this particular season may not be the most glamorous or exciting one, I'm still glad to be in it. I know there are lessons I need to learn now and ways in which I need to serve. I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time and that there are still lots of good things in store for me.

As usual, I don't actually have all the answers. But I never really promised that I would. In fact, that same post that I quoted earlier ended with these words: "I can't promise that I'll be able to give you a correct answer, but I can promise to be honest. And now comes the part where I cross my fingers and hope this isn't a big mistake."

I know now that it hasn't been a mistake at all. It's been really, really good for me.

And it's only going to get better.

11 comments:

  1. What a lovely post, Heidi! Beautifully (not brutally) honest. I'm glad you aren't giving up on writing. It seems like 123 With Nephi is doing well? Do you think you'll keep doing LDS books? How much have you tried with the national market for your fiction? Have you thought about it at all? I'd love to hear your thoughts about national v. regional publishing. Anyway, thanks again. I really enjoy reading your blog! P.S. Tiny houses are awesome! You'd be soooo cool :)

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    1. Thanks, Catherine! I have so much I want to say in response to this that I think I'll just email you so I can tell you the whole story. :) But yeah, tiny houses are very awesome!

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  2. Love this and love you! I'm with you on #13. Life gets lonely sometimes. You are so great at making and being a friend. I was so grateful for how kind you were to me when we lived in the Glenwood. You always made me feel so loved!

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    1. I laughed when I read this because I feel like you were the one who was so great at making and being friends with people and that you went out of your way to be kind to me! Thanks for some great memories and for continuing to be my friend, years and years later!

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  3. Beautiful! The post and you:)

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    1. Thanks, Jess! I think you're beautiful too! Miss you!

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  4. Numbers 3,4,10, and especially 11. We're kindred spirits for sure! Thanks for saying everything I'm not brave/open/honest enough to say. Let's go to lunch again one day. :)

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    1. Haha. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who deals with this stuff. And we should definitely go to lunch again! We deserve it after all that Nano-ing. :)

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  5. Numbers 3,4,10, and especially 11. We're kindred spirits for sure! Thanks for saying everything I'm not brave/open/honest enough to say. Let's go to lunch again one day. :)

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  6. Well, I loved The Jane Journals, so even if the second one doesn't make to print traditionally, send me a copy!! Ha ha but really. Loved this post and how honest you were. We all have different struggles. Hope this new year is going well for you!

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    1. Aw! Thanks! I'm looking into a few different options for the second book, so I'll definitely keep you posted!

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